Saturday, 30 January 2010

Success and failure - I'm back!

Life continues to be hard, yet the minute I say that I realise how ungrateful it sounds. We are here and we keep fighting and that alone is a blessing.

My father is giving his own battle and teaches me, everyday, that life is precious. He is fighting with all his might. Such an uneven battle. 2 months ago they gave him days to live. 3 days ago he celebrated his 67th birthday by eating chocolate wafers and laughing with us. There are tough days too, no doubt. But the lesson for me is one: you can't give up! When the going gets tough, you toughen up too!

Had a tough day on Tuesday. A day when I felt that I was failing everyone and everything. In life we get defined by our roles: mother, sister, daughter, wife, teacher, athlete, friend, mentor... whatever those are. Some we choose, some are chosen for us. This last Tuesday I felt like I as failing in all my roles. Failing as a daughter, both to my mum and dad who need me now. Failing as a wife, in this very new role that from the beginning has been riddled with external obstacles. Failing in my professional life, not giving it my all. Failing as a friend, having isolated myself and becoming selfish, not seeing my friends' needs. And finally failing myself, cutting corners in my training and in my personal time. I cried, I shouted... and then I went to sleep. Slept it off. Woke up on Wednesday determined to give it another go.

Life has been feeling like a long bout of juggling and last week I felt like I was dropping all the balls. This week will be different - I'm back on.

I have decided on quality - more quality time with my dad, even if it is only 4 hours a night. More quality with Duncan, more in my training, more in my sleep. And also cutting myself some slack. Now that's a tough one!

Today I had the perfect day. I am also back training, thanks to a fantastic book by Dr. Sarno called Healing Back Pain. Definitely recommended to anyone struggling with a chronic injury like mine. Have been pain free for 3 weeks, despite being back to pretty full-on training for the first time since my last Half IM a couple of years ago. Building up slowly - 7 hours this week, in between work and hospital. I have been fantasising about the day I can commit to a race again, getting on the trainer after school with the thought of a half IM soon! The perfect distance!

I am loving my bike, though the weather has not been conducive. But to love the bike on the trainer is in itself quite the achievement, so really looking forward to some rides outside too. I had a much needed break and now I am ready!

Helping out with all the indoor training is my old habit, IMtalk ( a podcast that helped me out with the long English winter when I was training for Switzerland (and spent up to 3 hours on the turbo...) The guys on there, James and Bevan, are legends and they are fuelling my lust for racing, but even more for training. I'm back!