Clouds

It has been a long time since I last wrote - several months in fact. When life sucks you in like that it is either for good or for bad... Well, things have been tough.

As my dad's health has continued to deteriorate the family has come together more than ever. We are trying to do what families do best, as well as replace all the jobs that dedicated medical professionals should be doing, from administering injections to changing urine bags. We have even had to make diagnoses, through the lack of advice and readily available doctors. One big mess!

Aside from that every day is a roller coaster. The say bad things come in threes, but in our case it seems more like 30. Following my mum's accident in a car two weeks ago, and on the way to pick up the car from the panel beater, Duncan had an accident. To top it all up, my brother crashed his car two days later...

During positive times I keep the faith. I believe in the goodness of life, in the fact that bad times pass and in live in the hope that it will make us stronger. Stronger individually and collectively. Stronger as a couple, as a family, as people.

But during bad times I sink.

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I have started to run again. Slowly and with breaks still but I can now run up to 40 mins in one day without pain. Some days. Others I have pain just walking or sitting - yet it is a lot better than before. In a metaphor for life, this overcoming of my injury, yes slowly and painfully and not without struggle or setbacks, but essentially overcoming, gives me hope.

As do good news: the birth of a baby by my friend A, who despite complications is now one super-mum! My friend C finding a job again after several difficult months of unemployment. The clouds do lift, it seems. In due course.

A busy week in the woods

Duncan and I have had a very busy week that has included hiking, camping, MRIs, sticking needles into my legs, cycling, running, seeing doctors and generally having a good old time.

The main purpose of the visit was to see a wonderful sports doctor up north in the city of Ioanning, who could help me with my back and other pain issues. However, as the area is one of the most beautiful in Greece, with forests and rivers, lakes and mountains it was only fair that we included some exploration and activities in nature. It was also a good idea as between tests and doctors' visits there was a lot of time to kill.

Now for the science part: The good news is that my two herniated discs seem to have gone into the subacute phase. That is wonerful and I was very relieved to discover that. The problem is that despite that I still have crippling sciatica. However, my nerves don't seem to have any permanent damage, despite the pain and weakness of reflexes. So... it seems that now the problem lies deep within my glutes, in a small muscle called piriformis. Those of you familiar with triathlon, running or cycling know exactly what I mean... I have chronic piriformis syndrome, whereby my muscle is choking the sciatic nerve (which at that point is as thick at an index finger would you believe it). Treatment is going to be multifactorial but I am hopeful and ready to start!

Aside from that the week was wonderful - we went climbing up mountains, camped by rivers, walked across mountain plateaus (chased by what seemed to be a million flies), saw bear tracks, met some wonderful people, slept in mountain refuges and generally had a wonderful time. Duncan and I have not had a honeymoon yet but this holiday felt like one (though probably not most people's idea of one).

Back in Athens things are a bit tougher with my dad's health taking a turn for the worse. Don't want to write much now until we know more, but worry is eating me up inside. Knowledge is power, I feel, and at the moment we are in the dark.

If anyone reading this has any suggestions for treating chronic piriformis syndrome please let me know.

Thanks for reading!

North

I am heading up North tomorrow, to go see the doctor who first diagnosed me. I have a million questions and a lot of observations to discuss with him. I am full of hope, though I am uncertain what exactly I am hoping for. Of course to get better, but I am not sure how...

I know there are many ways to treat herniated discs, and people have been asking me a lot why I am not having surgery. The point is that although short term, surgery would probably help, in the long term - that is in 5+ years- the prognosis is not good. I will only be 34 by then and I am expecting to be leading as active a lifestyle as I can, not having spinal fusion... So trying to keep of the surgery for as long as I can.

The day to day change is imperceptible, but it's true that I have got better and the pain is never bad enough to keep me up at night any more- that seems to be one way of measuring it.

So... let's see what the next few days bring... Fingers crossed!

Today

Today is the day I should have been out there, in Frankfurt, swimming, cycling and riding. A weight hangs on me today. I try and keep perspective, I try very hard to be happy for those who today manage to realise their dreams. But all I have is sadness, for the death of my dream.

Where is the magnanimity I normally possess, the life perspective I always keep? Where is the gratitude for all I have? Where is my strength to fight and go on and the belief that one day maybe I too will be able to race my race?

There is no fight. No noble feelings. No sympathy or gratitude. I wish with all my heart I could let go of the dream and live a life full of other dreams. I wish I could be happy for all my friends who are racing today. And yet I can't.

And it's not about today. It's about the fact that the longer I am away from it, the least likely it seems that I will ever be able to race again. A Marathon? I have enough pain after running 400 meters at the moment. A good day on the track is one when I can run 5 laps (2km) and still sleep at night.

Do I dare keep dreaming? Do I look forward to the day when I can again? Or do I strive to let go?

Life lessons

I have not had much time to write lately, I have been too busy learning some big life lessons. I have been exhausted and stressed, but I have also been getting glimpses of what life really is about and of what matters.

The biggest lessons and the most important ones, I am receiving, predictably, from my mum and dad. I am lucky to be here to witness how my dad is dealing with cancer, pain and the loss of so many things. To witness how my mum can help him. And also to witness how life goes on for everyone else, no matter what is happening on a personal level.

Lesson number 1: Pain and fear.

My father has been in extreme pain for about 6 months. Not on and off pain. Not the sort of pain you can sleep and forget. The kind of pain that cannot be treated and that has been with him 24/7. When he was in hospital for the second (or was it the third time) I went to see him one night and make sure he was well enough to sleep. I found him in agony. The level of pain was so high that an epidural, morphine and Tramadol were of no help. He was crying and clenching his teeth in bed and asking God 'why me'. It was hard to see and not knowing what to do I called his doctor, at home, despite the late hour. He was pleased to hear me and he told me that if he had the pains my father has endured he would have killed himself 6 months ago. He then sent the anaesthitist to give him something else. He eventually drifted into a sleep and I left, shaken yet relieved.

My dad is very strong, yet now, after his last surgery, which promises to be the one to make him better, he is extremely scared of pain. As an endurance athlete we learn to work with pain and to block it out, yet in my father, who has lived with it for the last few months, I saw a fear of pain. When we went in to take some of his stitches out today, I could see in his eyes he was so scared of hurting. He begged the doctor not to hurt him and cried, saying he could not take any more pain. I wonder if we are made to only be able to endure a certain level before being scared of it. I wonder if this fear will go away as he forgets. And I wonder if there are pain levels we simply cannot embrace.

The lesson is his resilience. His courage and his bravery in dealing with all that is happening. His nerve, his dreams and his will to have a normal life. Yes, he is tired. Yes, he has been in pain. But he is still able to laugh, to dream and to make plans to take us out on his boat when he is strong again. I only wish that the day comes soon.

Lesson 2: Love

My mum and dad had been married for 22 years before he seperated. Now, 6 years later they are back together and with a deep love and appreciation for each other that they never had before. It has been a big lesson to me, the love of that woman, my mother, towards her husband. She has told me, though she didn't need to say it as er actions are louder than words, that the most important thing is love and the people you love. She has taken care of him night and day and has given him, and that is his statement, exactly what he has needed. She has given him strength and courage when he had none. And I can see their deep love for each other in everything they do.

As my marriage begins, I not only hope, but I strongly believe, that we too can keep perspective in our relationship and in our life. We don't sweat the small stuff, but feel grateful for the gift of life and love (it sounds corny, but I strongly believe in that). And that is the present my parents gave me and my husband on our wedding day.

Lesson 3: Teaching and learning

I have always maintained that I learn from my pupils. Children have a resilience that I envy and a thirst for life that rejuvenates me. I consider myself lucky to be able to do the job I do (I am a primary school teacher) and I feel privileged that these kids let me into their worlds and lives. Often they teach me how to approach life and I have wanted to write about that - an entry called happiness.

Occasionaly however, they teach me something big. I made the mistake to ask a leading question on Tuesday, obviously fishing for an answer to help me introduce a topic. The question was: 'What is the biggest present you can give somebody?' Some kids become very good at answering questions the way adults want them to and sure enough, I had several hands up. A little girl successfully gave me the answer that I was after: 'Love'. I was ready to start my "teaching" but a hand at the back was not going down. I had to ask the little girl, one of my most charismatic pupils, what she had in mind. In a small, yet certain voice, she said: 'It depends on what the other person needs'. And she is so right. 'If a person is in the desert dying of thirst, the biggest present is surely water', she continued. Think about that. Think about what the little girl of seven knew. Think about that in your every day lives, in your relationships... If only we were all a bit more aware of what others need and not just of what we want to give.

I have come out of quite a dark time with the help of those around me, my husband, my close friends, my family and the spiritual guidance of D's mum who helped me at a very difficult time. Thank you to those for knowing what to give me exactly when I needed it. The sun is shining again and I feel happy, grateful and ready to live life. My mountain bike was riden again after months of rest. :)

Random thoughts...

The last couple of weeks have floored me. I have felt like I have been in a tunnel and cannot see the light. Well, the good news is, the light is finally there! My dad is out of hospital and hopefully in the care of a decent doctor who will help him recover. The wedding was cancelled, then brought forward in a mere 24 hours. Work seems to be going well, despite lack of sleep and physical and emotional exhaustion. All is good!

My dad has been in hospital. Not first world hospitals where you get nurses and people to assist you when you need something, but a Greek hospital, where your relatives are your nurse. I am getting more and more disillusioned with this place and this experience confirmed that. The statistics I read this week, also helped: Greece has the highest tax and NI contributions of about 150 countries surveyed, at 46% for a married couple with no children with only one income! Yet we have the lowest spending for health, education and welfare!!! And topping the corruption list (with 26% of people saying that they bribe regularly to have jobs done) followed by Mexico with 22%. The counrty coming third has 8%... 

I think Greece has lost the game and change is not imminent, nor -it seems some days- possible. I despair.

Ok, so this was going to be a post about the last few weeks... I have been feeling exhausted, yet spend half my time feeling hyper. Can't sleep. Haven't been able to exercise much - a swim here and there, some gym work and some Pilates at home. 

The back has been better, I am told because of the weather. I have stayed away from activities I know aggravate it, but the patterns seem all wrong lately and the pain seems to have moved to lower down in my leg. Have not had time to call my doctor. 

Goals for the next week: get three swimming sessions in, organise wedding, finish reports, get married. 

Trying to keep it simple and concentrate on the essentials! 

The personal stuff...

I have been off for a while. Fighting personal demons... and various viral infections. As with my immune system, my resistence to the little, everyday hardships of life seems greatly diminished at the moment. I occasionally look at myself and see a bitter, stressed and generally not very happy person. Not only do I not like it, I also know that the people around me are getting affected by it. 

I don't know if it is my lack of training and racing that is making me unhappy, or some other deep seated something... What I do know is that I choose not to live like this. So I'm back. And I am ready to be happy. To be able to get up in the morning and be glad to be alive. Ok... so I don't have my runs and rides, that heightened sense of well-being I used to get after a hard run on the mountain, or the beautiful feeling after a long summer's day on the saddle. I might or might not have it again. But my life cannot be ruled by that.

And so I need to concentrate on all the positives. Because I am not a quitter. Tri might or might not come. But I can still be active, albeit not to the same degree. 

My walk today was painful. My foot went numb only after 12 minutes of race-walking. The good news is, the pain went away after I got back and rested. Walking the Marathon might or might not be feasible. I have to be open and see how it goes. I need to be flexible with my goals. It could just have been the terrain - one does not normally race-walk on hills like the ones surrounding our house. So maybe I stay on the track. Again... I just need to wait and see.

I am going into this week positive. I have been enjoying swimming and I will start building up distance to see if I can complete the 5km open water swim in Lake Plastira in the summer and beat my time from last time. 

Being part at the Schiniathlon was great. Being a volunteer was hard and very emotional for me. Again. I wish I could grow out of it and leave the bitterness behind and be able to just enjoy being there. It feels like that sort of maturity is very far away from where I am at the moment.

I can aspire to that!