Moments

Usually when I go to hospital and after I have helped my dad have his dinner, "exercised" his now immobile legs, rubbed his back and chatted, he falls asleep and I switch off, reading my book. Yesterday things were different. His condition has deteriorated and I didn't need to do any of the above - he is no longer able to take food and he was mostly asleep, struggling to open his eyes the few times I tried to speak to him. And so sitting in there, in the dark, I put my book down. I wanted to live in that moment, to listen to his breath and feel his energy. To feel lucky one more time, that in that moment he was still with me. I froze that moment and will always have it with me.

What a cliche to say that life is made of moments. We all know it, most of us try to live every single one of them. Yet you can't. Life is not like that - if it were we would get so caught up in moments that we would be unable to function. There is nothing special about grocery shopping, or commuting, or photocopying. But we do owe it to ourselves and to those around us to take some time out occasionally and just be. In the moment. Freeze it and keep it. Your husband's heart beat before he wakes up in the morning. The first sip of your coffee, just as you like it. The moment you finish a run and you lie on the ground, heart still beating, sweat still dripping and you feel like you are on top of the world.

I had all of those moments yesterday. Every day is filled with joy, pain, anguish, happiness, boredom. It's all life. I embrace my tears, I embrace my laughter. I deny myself nothing when it comes to emotions. My parents taught me that and they both still do, every day.

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My training has also been full of moments this week. I loved swimming this week, partly because it wasn't as cold and getting into the pool was a bit more pleasant. Partly because my training was more focused with the help of www.swimplan.com. Awesome website - any of you regular swimmers out there: a resource to be used.

I did two bikes (both turbos - had the chance of an actual ride, but did not want to be too far from home just in case I was needed in hospital), 2 swims, 1 gym and only 1 run/walk this week. Hit the 8 hour mark again and my body feels good. I feel like I am getting stronger and I am concentrating on quality and consistency. Racing is a motivating factor, but the rest of the time I just feel lucky to be able to get out there day after day to do what I enjoy.

The run I did with Duncan opened up my heart and nurtured my spirit. It was a glorious day yesterday, though a bit windy, so we decided the track would be better than the mountain. I got so absorbed into it that the 50 mins flew past and I was hoping that D would also want to stay longer. No such luck. I guess it's good to be leaving a workout feeling hungry for more and looking forward to the next one.

Life and Training

It's been a hard week. Made harder by the lack of sleep from Monday to Wednesday. But I am getting better at organising myself, concentrating on the important stuff and just getting by.

My days at the moment consist of getting up at around 7, teaching until 4, gym/training until 5.30/6 then hospital to give my dad his dinner and spend precious moments together until 10.30ish. Then bed. Then again from the beginning. Some days I get some more time and the important thing then is to spend it with Duncan. The best thing however is that we both enjoy training and so a lot of our training time is also quality time together. Two birds with one stone. I knew having a triathlete husband would come in handy at some point.

I get tired. Sometimes I get overtired. So much so that I cannot sleep or eat. I have lost a lot of weight and struggle to maintain a healthy diet, as I am never at home for meal times. But I try not worry too much about it now - I will eat when I can and what I can.

In terms of training I have really enjoyed this week. Training is my "me" time, my psychotherapy time, my stopping-brain-from-overthinking time, my taking-care-of-my-health time, my spending-time-with-my-husband time and lately it is becoming my setting-goals-and-working-towards-them time. I have been setting my eyes on June 13th Half Iron Distance here in Greece, organised by Leo and Marie from Schiniathlon (www.schiniathlon.gr). Just to be able to train for such an event again makes me happy.

So training hours hit just over 8 this week (that's assuming D and I decide to brave the rain and go for our 70-90 min run). I did two swims, two bikes, and two walk/runs - massive fan of the run/walk movement as led by Bobby McGee(imtalk episode 190 for more info) . The ride yesterday was challenging, longer than I have done in a very long time, but enjoyed it so much that I cannot wait to go out there and do it again.

On top of all this trigreece.gr is about to take off! We are starting to work more on the Athletes in Athens side of things, getting some sessions going for local athletes, as well as planning some big training weeks/camps and clinics for later on in the year. Again, very exciting, but lots of extra work going on.

Sometimes I wonder if people who only "do" one thing in life are happier than us overachievers who try and cram multiple roles in our days. People at work, who know me as a teacher, find it hard to understand all the stuff I do outside of school and people who meet me in my trigreece.gr gear find it difficult to realise I also have a day job, where I do not wear lycra, but I teach children about Egyptian mummies and irregular plurals. But for me it's all part of who I am and both roles are as fulfilling in their own separate ways. I sometimes ask myself which of the two I would give up if I had to and the answer is never there... Luckily for now I don't have to give up any of it.

Success and failure - I'm back!

Life continues to be hard, yet the minute I say that I realise how ungrateful it sounds. We are here and we keep fighting and that alone is a blessing.

My father is giving his own battle and teaches me, everyday, that life is precious. He is fighting with all his might. Such an uneven battle. 2 months ago they gave him days to live. 3 days ago he celebrated his 67th birthday by eating chocolate wafers and laughing with us. There are tough days too, no doubt. But the lesson for me is one: you can't give up! When the going gets tough, you toughen up too!

Had a tough day on Tuesday. A day when I felt that I was failing everyone and everything. In life we get defined by our roles: mother, sister, daughter, wife, teacher, athlete, friend, mentor... whatever those are. Some we choose, some are chosen for us. This last Tuesday I felt like I as failing in all my roles. Failing as a daughter, both to my mum and dad who need me now. Failing as a wife, in this very new role that from the beginning has been riddled with external obstacles. Failing in my professional life, not giving it my all. Failing as a friend, having isolated myself and becoming selfish, not seeing my friends' needs. And finally failing myself, cutting corners in my training and in my personal time. I cried, I shouted... and then I went to sleep. Slept it off. Woke up on Wednesday determined to give it another go.

Life has been feeling like a long bout of juggling and last week I felt like I was dropping all the balls. This week will be different - I'm back on.

I have decided on quality - more quality time with my dad, even if it is only 4 hours a night. More quality with Duncan, more in my training, more in my sleep. And also cutting myself some slack. Now that's a tough one!

Today I had the perfect day. I am also back training, thanks to a fantastic book by Dr. Sarno called Healing Back Pain. Definitely recommended to anyone struggling with a chronic injury like mine. Have been pain free for 3 weeks, despite being back to pretty full-on training for the first time since my last Half IM a couple of years ago. Building up slowly - 7 hours this week, in between work and hospital. I have been fantasising about the day I can commit to a race again, getting on the trainer after school with the thought of a half IM soon! The perfect distance!

I am loving my bike, though the weather has not been conducive. But to love the bike on the trainer is in itself quite the achievement, so really looking forward to some rides outside too. I had a much needed break and now I am ready!

Helping out with all the indoor training is my old habit, IMtalk (http://imtalk.me/Podcast.html) a podcast that helped me out with the long English winter when I was training for Switzerland (and spent up to 3 hours on the turbo...) The guys on there, James and Bevan, are legends and they are fuelling my lust for racing, but even more for training. I'm back!

Clouds

It has been a long time since I last wrote - several months in fact. When life sucks you in like that it is either for good or for bad... Well, things have been tough.

As my dad's health has continued to deteriorate the family has come together more than ever. We are trying to do what families do best, as well as replace all the jobs that dedicated medical professionals should be doing, from administering injections to changing urine bags. We have even had to make diagnoses, through the lack of advice and readily available doctors. One big mess!

Aside from that every day is a roller coaster. The say bad things come in threes, but in our case it seems more like 30. Following my mum's accident in a car two weeks ago, and on the way to pick up the car from the panel beater, Duncan had an accident. To top it all up, my brother crashed his car two days later...

During positive times I keep the faith. I believe in the goodness of life, in the fact that bad times pass and in live in the hope that it will make us stronger. Stronger individually and collectively. Stronger as a couple, as a family, as people.

But during bad times I sink.

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I have started to run again. Slowly and with breaks still but I can now run up to 40 mins in one day without pain. Some days. Others I have pain just walking or sitting - yet it is a lot better than before. In a metaphor for life, this overcoming of my injury, yes slowly and painfully and not without struggle or setbacks, but essentially overcoming, gives me hope.

As do good news: the birth of a baby by my friend A, who despite complications is now one super-mum! My friend C finding a job again after several difficult months of unemployment. The clouds do lift, it seems. In due course.

A busy week in the woods

Duncan and I have had a very busy week that has included hiking, camping, MRIs, sticking needles into my legs, cycling, running, seeing doctors and generally having a good old time.

The main purpose of the visit was to see a wonderful sports doctor up north in the city of Ioanning, who could help me with my back and other pain issues. However, as the area is one of the most beautiful in Greece, with forests and rivers, lakes and mountains it was only fair that we included some exploration and activities in nature. It was also a good idea as between tests and doctors' visits there was a lot of time to kill.

Now for the science part: The good news is that my two herniated discs seem to have gone into the subacute phase. That is wonerful and I was very relieved to discover that. The problem is that despite that I still have crippling sciatica. However, my nerves don't seem to have any permanent damage, despite the pain and weakness of reflexes. So... it seems that now the problem lies deep within my glutes, in a small muscle called piriformis. Those of you familiar with triathlon, running or cycling know exactly what I mean... I have chronic piriformis syndrome, whereby my muscle is choking the sciatic nerve (which at that point is as thick at an index finger would you believe it). Treatment is going to be multifactorial but I am hopeful and ready to start!

Aside from that the week was wonderful - we went climbing up mountains, camped by rivers, walked across mountain plateaus (chased by what seemed to be a million flies), saw bear tracks, met some wonderful people, slept in mountain refuges and generally had a wonderful time. Duncan and I have not had a honeymoon yet but this holiday felt like one (though probably not most people's idea of one).

Back in Athens things are a bit tougher with my dad's health taking a turn for the worse. Don't want to write much now until we know more, but worry is eating me up inside. Knowledge is power, I feel, and at the moment we are in the dark.

If anyone reading this has any suggestions for treating chronic piriformis syndrome please let me know.

Thanks for reading!

North

I am heading up North tomorrow, to go see the doctor who first diagnosed me. I have a million questions and a lot of observations to discuss with him. I am full of hope, though I am uncertain what exactly I am hoping for. Of course to get better, but I am not sure how...

I know there are many ways to treat herniated discs, and people have been asking me a lot why I am not having surgery. The point is that although short term, surgery would probably help, in the long term - that is in 5+ years- the prognosis is not good. I will only be 34 by then and I am expecting to be leading as active a lifestyle as I can, not having spinal fusion... So trying to keep of the surgery for as long as I can.

The day to day change is imperceptible, but it's true that I have got better and the pain is never bad enough to keep me up at night any more- that seems to be one way of measuring it.

So... let's see what the next few days bring... Fingers crossed!

Today

Today is the day I should have been out there, in Frankfurt, swimming, cycling and riding. A weight hangs on me today. I try and keep perspective, I try very hard to be happy for those who today manage to realise their dreams. But all I have is sadness, for the death of my dream.

Where is the magnanimity I normally possess, the life perspective I always keep? Where is the gratitude for all I have? Where is my strength to fight and go on and the belief that one day maybe I too will be able to race my race?

There is no fight. No noble feelings. No sympathy or gratitude. I wish with all my heart I could let go of the dream and live a life full of other dreams. I wish I could be happy for all my friends who are racing today. And yet I can't.

And it's not about today. It's about the fact that the longer I am away from it, the least likely it seems that I will ever be able to race again. A Marathon? I have enough pain after running 400 meters at the moment. A good day on the track is one when I can run 5 laps (2km) and still sleep at night.

Do I dare keep dreaming? Do I look forward to the day when I can again? Or do I strive to let go?